A PETICION POPULAR AQUI LES VA EL MISMO CHISTE EN INGLES Y EN ESPAÑOL. ES EL CHISTE DEL AÑO.
UN BUEN ESPOSO
Antonio se despierta en casa con una resaca monumental. Se esfuerza en abrir los ojos, y lo primero que ve es un par de aspirinas y un vaso de agua en la mesita de noche. Se sienta y ve su ropa toda bien limpia y planchada
frente a él. Antonio mira alrededor de la habitación y ve que todo está en perfecto orden y limpio. El resto de la casa está igual. Coge las aspirinas y ve una nota sobre la mesa: "Cariño, el desayuno está en la cocina, salí temprano para
hacer unas compras. Te quiero." Así que va a la cocina, y cómo no, ahí estaba el desayuno y el periódico del día esperándole. Su hijo también está en la mesa, desayunando. Antonio le pregunta, "Hijo, qué pasó ayer por la noche?" Su hijo le contesta, "bien, pues volviste después de las 3 de la madrugada, borracho Rompiste algunos muebles, vomitaste en el pasillo y te pusiste un ojo morado cuando te diste contra la puerta." Confundido, Antonio pregunta, "Y cómo es que todo está tan limpio y ordenado, y el desayuno esperándome en la mesa?" Su hijo contesta, "Ah, eso!Mamá te arrastró hacia el dormitorio y cuando intentó sacarte los pantalones, tu gritaste: "Quieta perra!, soy casado!"
Conclusiones:
Una resaca autoinducida - 100.00 $US
Mobiliario roto - 200.00 $US
Desayuno - 10.00 $US
Decir la frase adecuada - no tiene precio.
Y AHOR EN INGLES...
OFFICE PARTY
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also! at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. Priceless
HOW CAN YOU LIVE ON WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat this wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb...hence we have "the rule of thumb" .
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on...hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase
"mind your P's and 's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady
got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did
theTrick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she
moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Investigación sobre el Agua.
Ha sido comprobado en una investigación científica que si
Bebemos más de un litro de agua por día, al final de un año habremos
ingerido más de un kilo de bacilos coliformes fecales que están diluidos en
el agua, o sea 1 kilo de mierda en dos palabras.
En cambio, bebiendo vino, cerveza, whisky, vodka o ron u otros
Licores, no corremos ese riesgo, pues en el caso de la cerveza, ésta pasa
por varios procesos de hervido, filtrado y luego es fermentado, por eso se
solicita comuniquen a todos los que beben agua lo perjudicial de su caso, el
cual ha sido probado científicamente: El agua es caca, el alcohol es salud.
Por una vida libre de material fecal, ¡¡¡prefiera el trago!!!
Quien tenga conciencia, va llegar a la conclusión de que: es mucho mejor
tomar cerveza y hablar pura mierda, que tomar mierda y no decir nada.
Salud y Saludos
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my
left and there was a
woman
in a brand new
Cadillac
doing 65 mph
with her
face up next to her
rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
for a couple seconds
and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
my electric shaver,
which knocked
the donut
out of my other hand.
In all
the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear
which fell
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.
Damn women drivers!!!
